Sarah Jessica Parker aka Sarah biography

Real biography: Sarah Jessica Parker is a testament to Hollywood’s uncanny ability to convince the world that certain funny looking people are worthy of our sexual adoration. Through marketing targeted at both homosexuals AND lonely 30 year old women, HBO's Sex and the City transformed Parker et al into icons of Manhattanite feminism. But don’t choke down that entire half gallon of chunky monkey (by yourself) yet! There’s more to this woman’s career than multiple upper east side strains of HPV and enough pumps to shoe an entire African village.

Life Story

Parker grew up within the confines of a broken marriage, surrounded by seven siblings. So a career in theatre was an obvious choice. She received formal schooling in the dramatic arts at numerous secondary institutions, including the Professional Children’s School in Manhattan, a locale known for producing other such well-adjusted individuals as Christopher Walken, Christian Slater, Macaulay Culkin, and Tara Reid. She went on to play characters in a slew of Broadway and off-Broadway productions, including Little Orphan Annie. Her strong portrayal of the up-beat, curly-haired, depression-era orphan was an effective launching pad for her Hollywood career. She went to star in such films as Foot Loose, Girls Just want to have Fun, and the ABC After School Special “The Almost Royal Family.”

The nineties were much better. For everyone. Seriously. But they were also better for Parker’s Career. She played numerous roles in some actually decent movies, like Mars Attacks, Ed Wood, and LA Story. Sex and the City, which stared Parker as “sexy” journalist Carrie Bradshaw, took most of her time up post millennium. But she still snuck in a few flicks, most notably Strangers with Candy, and Failure to Launch. In 2003, HBO network execs caved, citing the “horrible screeching sound of Parker’s horrible voice,” allowing Parker to produce, thus putting the nail in the coffin of us ever seeing her rack.

What’s next in the cards? A feature film for Sex and the City and a prison themed musical entitled Slammer. Think Hairspray meets the Shawshank Redemption. Moviegoers everywhere will surely be stabbing themselves with a stiletto to get out of that one.